


The Butter Debacle

by Lord_Mushroom_Kat



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Agatha and Simon are Not Dating, Agatha is so done, Baz and Simon are? Friends?, Baz is in love, Baz is turned on, Getting Together, M/M, POV Penny, Penny and Simon are bffs, Penny is exasperated, Simon clearly has no gag reflex, Snowbaz (hinted at), and Simon is ridiculous, not sure when this takes place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-11 14:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17448530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Mushroom_Kat/pseuds/Lord_Mushroom_Kat
Summary: Simon tries to deepthroat a stick of butter.





	1. Penny's Peril

**Author's Note:**

> I'm part of a Carry On server on Discord. They shared a prompt thingy, I expanded on it for fun.  
> "Simon deepthroats a stick of butter while agatha cries, Penny plots his death along with Baz, who is strangely impressed" was the prompt, to which someone responded with "you fool, Baz is turned on". We all agreed on that. So this exists.  
> I might end up writing more.  
> They badgered me into posting this.

              **Penny**  
We were trying to eat breakfast, but then _Simon_. Simon got the bright idea to stick an entire stick of butter into his mouth, in a manoeuvre I would describe as deepthroating if it weren't _Simon_ because ew no. Looking around the table, I can see Agatha is, possibly crying? No, she's just wishing she never met any of us, which I'd agree with, if it weren't _Simon_. Baz --he's sitting with us today, and I'm not sure why, but it's making me very on-edge and somehow Simon doesn't care, maybe they all solved their love triangle drama-- is looking murderous, and I'm with him on that, this is ridiculous. We make eye-contact, and he rolls his eyes. I think we're having a conversation with our eyes, I'm not sure I understand it, but the gist of it is that if Simon keeps this up, we're going to strangle him. He turns back to look at Simon, and he's still got a murderous look about him, but he also looks? Strangely impressed? Which I suppose I would understand -- if it weren't _Simon_ , he's my best friend and I need him to not choke to death on a stick of butter -- because sticks of butter a very large and the human mouth isn't intended to hold an entire one. But I need Simon _alive_ , so I'd better stop this.


	2. Baz' Broken Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz' perspective on all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm continuing this shenanigans I guess.  
> It's mostly because I'm desperate for approval. Please like and comment.

**Baz**

This whole thing is ridiculous. Simon Snow, Crowley, why are you like this? Snow -- I call him Snow, even though we're friends now, because if I called him Simon I think I might let on too much -- has decided to deepthroat a stick of butter. It is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen and I've seen him do a lot of ridiculous things. Unfortunately, it's also very impressive (does he have  _any_ gag reflex?) and my body is taking an uh, _interest_. I'm ridiculous. _He's_ ridiculous.

Bunce is the only one here with  _sense_ \--although Welbelove is behaving similarly, she's looking distraught, at this point her head is in her hands -- and I cannot imagine how she became Snow's friend with the kind of ridiculous behavior he shows. Bunce and I share a look, one of us is going to strangle him soon; I can't handle any more of this, Snow with something of that shape in his mouth is not something my brain can withstand for long. I might snap and, I don't know, kiss him? Bite him? They all know I'm a vampire already, but I would still prefer not to go there.

I must look murderous -- in a way I  _am_ \-- because Bunce looks concerned. She goes to stop him, and I'm not sure what to do in this situation, should I help her try to convince him, or do I join Welbelove (who's pretending this isn't happening right now). I'm not sure at all. Snow is being difficult about it, but I can tell that the butter is melting. Melting down his throat. Simon,  _why_? Why must you be like this?

Bunce is most likely just about to reach into his mouth and grab the butter, I can see the deliberation on her face. Yeah, I'm definitely not helping her, my fingers should not go anywhere near his mouth for the sake of my own sanity. I really hope Bunce gets rid of that butter soon. Being around Snow is always a test of my self-restraint, but he's being extra testing today. I think I might end up needing some alone time later just to regain some lost sanity. 

Speaking of which, he just made eye contact with me, and I'm so scared he'll see my feelings in them. I'm not sure if he does or not, but there's a weird shine to his eyes. His face, it looks like, maybe amusement? mirth?  friendship?? affection?!? I'm really not quite sure what his face is doing, but it's definitely bad for my blood pressure. If I have blood pressure. Do vampires have blood pressure? I'm not sure, little is known aboUT vampires, so I'm not really sure about much at all about myself. But I know one thing, Simon Snow will be the death of me. And if he keeps making that face at me, it's going to be very soon. And I must make some kind of face, because he smiles a bit and then turns back to Bunce.

Bunce is still trying to convince Snow to get the butter out.

     "Simon! You're going to choke to death! Get it out of your mouth!"

     "Hmmmn mhuh hnmuh hmmmmmurrh"

     " **Si** _mon._ What?"

And then he just,,,  _ **swallows**_ _the whole stick of butter_ , well what remains of it -- which is still a lot even though the edges have melted off, at this point, it's not so much a stick of butter as it is a cylinder of butter -- and dfgfrdvgd. I'm not quite sure if my brain is even functioning at this point. He doesn't even look bothered by how much butter he just swallowed. Bunce is fussing over him but I'm not sure I'm hearing any of it anymore.  _She_ looks like she's about to have a coniption. Wellbelove has checked out of Earth is seems. And, I'm not sure how I feel. I'm not sure if I'm even doing feelings anymore. I think I might be dreaming or something, this doesn't seem real. Aleister Crowley, but Snow looks completely unbothered. He's licking the butter off his lips and I'm quite certain I'm about to have a heart attack but I can't really  _feel_ anything right now, my mind isn't connected to my body anymore.

He looks at me, then startles.

* * *


End file.
